I have a lot of acquaintances. I have very few friends.

This is not a trivial semantic distinction. While the word “friend” has come to mean anyone with whom one associates but does not actively dislike, I cling to the vestiges of language lost and still call such people “acquaintances.” This seems more appropriate, as they are people with whom I am acquainted, but with whom I share no bond. Should I disappear tomorrow, they would in no way notice, nor would their world be at all bereft. Should they, my world and I would probably feel similarly. “Friend” is an adjective I reserve for people I care for and who might even care for me. Friends are those who I smile when I think of, who I can tell a story about, who are ready to offer help if I’m moving. Friends are rare.

It is fairly common to hear people talk about those in the Bay Area as “friendly”, largely, I suspect, due to the greater openness of its people to outsiders and strangers, and a greater willingness to smile. But friendly does not equal friend. I’ve found that greater openness drags with it greater fluidity; people float in and out of each other’s lives, never sticking around for too long, never bonding, never becoming true friends. We all stay acquaintances, aware of each other’s presence but also largely indifferent to it. Meeting new people has been easy here; making new friends has been far more difficult.

Some of this may be a function of the culture of the technology industry around San Francisco, but I also suspect part of it is that with fewer barriers to cross, with lower thresholds between stranger and acquaintance, the attachments one forms with those who cross such thresholds are by nature less significant.

Everything comes with a tradeoff. The effusive nature of the American middle is joined with nosiness and a belief that one has a right to know what others are doing. The colder nature of the American north comes with a greater sense of personal privacy, and more of a “do whatever you want as long as you don’t bother me” approach.

Perhaps similarly, “friendly” and “friend” don’t mix.