Every few months, my level of hate for certain people or groups builds up to higher than average levels. In an effort to expel this dislike back unto the universe, I present to you my list of things that are currently annoying me.

• People who use the word “apps” as a stubsitute for “appetizer”
  I don’t know why this bothers me so, but it does. It’s probably for the same reason I hate “carbs”, which has far more to do with the people who use the word than the word itself. Maybe those who use it can can find some low carb apps to accompany their appletinis before they go home to watch whatever mentally-challenged yuppies watch these days. Bad yuppies. Bad!
• People who don’t clean up after their dogs
  Having a dog in a city is a lot of responsibility. Such responsibilities include: walking the dog at all hours, feeding the dog regularly, and cleaning up after the dog when it defecates. Please note the last one, as it’s not optional. If the dog evacuates on the dirt by a sidewalk-inlaid tree, this does not mean you don’t have do anything due to the “natural” environment. When I see such a person, or the ones who look around post dog pooping in the hopes of furtively sneaking away, I want to press their heads into the newly besmirched ground. Is that wrong? No. It’s not. It’s the right thing to do.
• Homeless people
  Many have had bad luck, and just need help. But many also do not take said help when offered. I support America being a free country; one should be able to sit where one wants, walk where one wants, and if one doesn’t have a home, that’s certainly no crime. But public lands, including parks and streets, are commons, for everyone’s use, and there are some basic ground rules. Among these is the understanding that commons are not toilets. No one will let you use the bathroom? Sorry, that’s the cost of freedom.
• Whistle-blowing door men
  Whistles may be blown when a cab is approaching. They do not need to be blown at all other times. Please stop it with the damn “whoo, whoo, whoo” every three f#$king seconds. Is there a cab around? No? Then no whistle for you! If you’re still confused, I can send you a flow-chart.
• Non-synchronized traffic lights
  It’s not that difficult. There are wireless data transmitters, and computers, and other newfangled gadgets that can time lights so that traffic flows smoothly. It doesn’t even have to be city-wide, just through high-traffic areas. It can be done, it should be done, and it’s not done. You suck, Gavin Newsom.
• Pan-regional valley girls
  Like, yeah! So this other night Tracy and I were out at this bar, and this guy, who was kind of cute but weird looking, was just staring at us like he wanted to crush us into soylent sorority girl. Yeah, like, I don’t know. It’s probably because of our grating nasally voices and utter vapidity, or something.
• People with vastly unjustified egos
  Such individuals seem to be rampant here in Silicon Valley, which only increases the degree to which I hate them. Oh? You have a lot of money because you sold your stake in your social networking blogging video sharing friending chatting ad network? That’s so great! You must be very proud, and are right to feel so superior. It’s just as if you invented the transistor or produced a new work of literary genius!
• Republicans
  WTF is wrong with you? I’m happy you love Jesus and all, but could you just spare a second from your ever-vigilant Al Qaeda fighting schedules to think about what’s happened to the country? Do you understand that we can’t lower taxes for everyone *and* pay for all the services you want? Are you bothered by the ever-widening income disparity? Does it strike you as logical that religion and government should not be mixed? No? Please exercise the second amendment then, and shoot off your voting finger.

Ah. That’s better. Vitriol dispensed with. I love you all!