Justice Gibson delivers the ruling of the court:

The county has asserted that Mr. Joel did willingly and knowingly set fire to the property at 112 Old Oak Way, Ridgewood, New Jersey, an incident hereafter referred to as “the fire”. The defendent has claimed that he and his compatriots did not start the fire, but rather were involved in fire-fighting activities at the time of his arrest.

Despite an impassioned plea by Mr. Joel, after 18 years of listening to his refutation the court is unable to find any evidence supporting his claims. Though the defendant listed an impressive array of witnesses, attempts to contact the vast majority would be futile, as they are currently deceased. All of the remaining living individuals mentioned: Doris Day, Queen Elizabeth II, Brigitte Bardot, Fidel Castro, Chubby Checker, Bob Dylan, John Glenn, Sally Ride, and Bernhard Goetz, have denied any involvement in the fire, and all except Mr. Castro have plausible and confirmed alibis. Further, the court can find no means to connect the events listed with the fire, nor does it believe outrage over the listed events suitable justification for initiating a conflagration.

Mr. Joel, electing to represent himself, said to the court, “J.F.K. blown away, what else do I have to say?” While the death of President Kennedy was tragic and unfortunate, it occurred 26 years prior to the fire, and hardly seems relevant to the issue at hand.

Given the lack of evidence to the country, the court rules for the prosecution. Sentencing to be determined at a hearing on a later date.