There’s a crisis of self-confidence in this country; we have way too much of it. Contrary to popular belief, one can have too much self-assurance, and we seem to be suffering from an epidemic. Let’s take this statement, “I like President Bush. He’s an average guy, just like me.” And our speaker is right, GWB is an average guy, just like him; except our speaker should not be president, because just like GWB, he’s an idiot.

This is what our feel-good educational system has wrought. This is what years of telling people that they’re good enough and smart enough has caused. Apparently it’s no longer correct to call people crippled, or even disabled. No, they’re differently-abled. Different how? Just like a paraplegic (and I mean no offense to them, I feel infinitely sorry for anyone so afflicted), I can sit in a chair all day, but unless they gained heat-ray vision along with the loss of the use of their legs, they’re not differently-abled, they are disabled. Similarly, those who are bad at math, or English, should not be told how great they are, how everyone has different skills, they should be told they’re stupid, and that they need to listen to those that are more intelligent than they.

I am a northeastern liberal elitist. I am not ashamed. So I send this message to middle redneck America: sit down, shut up, put on your dunce cap and let us run the country. You can return to eating your Big Mac and watching America’s funniest home videos.

Thank you.

I have the attention span of a fruit-fly, and probably many of the same interests. As a result, I spend a solid portion of my day procrastinating, and as I’m a white-collar office worker, some of this procrastination involves reading Craigslist. Sometimes I browse the job listings, but I’m single, and male, so yes, I read the personals.

It’s not the bad writing, the poor spelling, the homonym transposition, the lousy grammar, or the lack of capitalization that gets to me; it’s the clichés. So I thought I’d compose a handy primer, just in case anyone might read this before posting, or really, to amuse, you, my loyal readers, by which I mean myself.

I’m looking for my partner in crime.

What crime are you planning on committing, and why do you need a partner? Is it sodomy? Because though I’m totally down with sodomy, even disregarding Lawrence v. Texas, Massachusetts’ anti-sodomy laws were invalidated in 2002.

I can’t believe I’m posting here.

You’re right. You’re so above that. I mean, using the Internet to meet people. That is so sketchy and weird. Also, it’s 1990.

Is anyone normal left/out there?

No. Please return to your episode of Dawson’s Creek.

I’m a BBW, curvy, thick, h/w proportionate, voluptuous/volumptous, plus size, a few extra pounds.

Stop perverting words. There are already words that mean fat, like, um, fat. One can add modifiers to that, such as “a little”, “a lot”, and “humongously.” Also, just an FYI, height/weight proportionate doesn’t mean anything.

Hi! I’m 27 and looking for sugar daddy.

No, you’re looking for a sugar granddaddy. You’re old enough to get a big-girl job now. Additionally, this is exchanging sex for money. There’s nothing wrong with that, but a. there’s another section for it, and b. if you think you’re too good for said section, why don’t you go over there and brighten it up.

I’m real.

And I thought you were made out of Styrofoam!

I’m bored

Wow! You seem fascinating. Tell me more.

Quoting song lyrics/poetry

OMG! I listen to that group/singer too. He/she/it totally speaks to me. Since we have so much in common, why don’t we sleep together?

Searching for my soulmate.

Hi. I’m your soulmate. I was here looking for you, but I hooked up with someone hotter. They also do this thing with their tongue that I like, which you’d never do. Sorry.

Classy

This is one of those words just chock full ‘o irony, because anyone who uses it to describe themselves, never is.

Sarcastic/sarchastic

Is that supposed to be attractive? Oooh yeah. I love a girl that’s caustic and derisive. Oh right. That’s sarcasm.

Tired of the bar/club scene

Translation: I’ve spent years drinking too much and hooking up with random guys/girls at various locals around the city. It turns out they weren’t really interested in me, and just wanted to have sex!

I’m quite a catch

Oh? My mom says that about me too.

LOL

Are you laughing out loud? No? Then you just look like an idiot if you use this.

I like to stay in and go out.

I do too! What are the chances?

Princess

From a male perspective, describing yourself as a “princess” is equivalent to wearing a big neon sign as a hat reading, “High-maintenance. Warning. Do not date.”

Avoiding the use of these clichés should help you in dating adventures. I know, I know. You’re welcome.

We just, um, question with unusual vigor.

This is interesting. From the New Scientist:

Feminine beauty, the subject of philosophical and artistic musings for millennia, can be predicted by something as basic as hormones – in women, but not men.

I wonder if oestrogen levels cause attractiveness changes, or if they’re just correlated.

Whenever I find myself in agreement with the Bush administration, I’m somewhat distressed. In part this is simple principle, but in larger part, given the minute number of things about which the administration is correct, it’s due to the thus vastly increased probability of my being wrong, and I do so hate being wrong. On the rare occasions that our opinions overlap, I make sure to examine my own with great scrutiny, but at least in this case we arrived at the same conclusion for vastly different reasons.

Specifically, I’m referring to our mutual lack of enthusiasm for the Kyoto protocol, which I was discussing with Rachel (furthering the circular linking) yesterday. The primary problem with the agreement is that it exempts China and India, which, with growing economies and roughly a third of the world’s population, are destined to become massive energy consumers.

Which brings me to the title of my post. By keeping global fossil fuel demand high, and not reducing carbon emissions, the prices of fossil fuels are elevated. This in turn causes developing nations to invest in alternative energy by lowering its relative cost, and build infrastructures not dependent on traditional vehicles. If, instead, the price of oil and gas were allowed to fall on reduced domestic demand, emerging economies would take advantage of the cheaper fossil fuels, inevitably driving up overall usage and vastly increasing greenhouse gas emissions over the long term.

And thus, by being idiots, the administration is probably doing the right thing.

(As an amusing aside, in keeping with our environmental theme, the Sierra Club sued to keep an insulation factory from opening, because despite the gains in energy efficiency offered by insulation, more greenhouse gasses are emitted in the process of producing the insulation than are saved by the insulation its self. Unintended consequences are fascinating things.)